Aspergers - A Mum's Perspective: June 2012

If you have a child with special needs, then you know about the knot that sits in the center of your stomach for most of the day your child is at school.

For me, as Cam got older, it was a little easier to untie that knot.....but it took some learning on my part to get to that point.....until then though, the stress remains.

For some of us, it ties up the back of our throat, for some it sits in our temples. Wherever your body holds that stress, it's there and it's relentless...so much so that you adjust and become accustomed to it....a familiar friend.

Each morning you drop them off you walk away with a chill,

"Will he make it through a full day?"

"Will they call me to pick him up because they've had enough today?"

Cam had been in school more than a term. This week had been one of his good weeks and I was there to pick him up at the end of the day..

When he walked out of his classroom, looking exhausted, dragging his feet, in his hand was a note which he handed to me.

It was a permission slip for the class school excursion the next week, they wanted parent helpers for the day. The note said they would need lots of helpers so they could split the class into small groups.

Normal parent stuff! I'm in! It was a little ray of normality I was happy to be part of.

So I took a pen from my bag, filled in the note and walked back into class.

I handed it to the teacher.

I said I would be free

she smiled and said....

"We have all the volunteers we need...thanks....you don't need to come..."

And turned away..

I walked out...the note had only been out of the classroom 5 minutes......huh?

What The! ...... Pffhhhht......Really?

The I wondered...

Had I become...."That Mum"???

The one they didn't want on excursion....

The one who, "If she didn't baby her boy he would be fine...."

I knew I'd been wearing a "Mum" hat with this teacher...

I knew she thought I was the cause of all his problems.....despite specialists reports which stated his difficulties clearly, she pretty much said, more than once, that tough love was always best.

I was the difficulty.......Pfffhhht......Really???

Are you kidding me?

I thought I had been treading lightly, I felt I had been filtering information to her slowly, not bombarding her in class, before or after school......despite all this, she had decided I was "That Mum".

She had decided to do a Parent-Ecotmy.

To explain my term.....

It's when you become,

                   to the professional working with your child,

                                                       what they perceive to be

THE PROBLEM.....

She had decided to excise me out of the equation.

I wondered if she thought She'd fix him while he's at school.....

Pffffhhhht.....Oh Really?

Now I know she did this with the best of professional intention.

But at the time, to be excised from the equation was awful.

As I stood outside the classroom I felt I had two choices.

I could march back into the room and call her on it.....why send the note home if you don't need anyone?

I didn't think marching into the room, sledgehammer style, was going to change the way the teacher viewed my part in my sons life.

Or

I could go with the flow. Take a few days to chill out.

So I walked away, chilled out and went with the flow.

I came to the decision that there was going to be nothing more important than the working relationship between myself and my child's educator if he was ever going to achieve anything.

I decided this was one partnership, a working relationship, that had to work well

And I thought a little harder.

If she saw me as the problem, if that's what she had perceived....what could I do to change that?

How did she perceive me from her point of view and how could I behave differently to perhaps help her to see a bigger picture?

I had to be honest with myself and you know what...?

I was desperately looking after my boy.

I did do things for him I wouldn't be still doing for a normally developing child.

I had very good reasons for doing all those things but then she couldn't read my mind and she had, only very recently got to know Cam.

Now I have no magic wand that's going to help anyone avoid the dreaded Parent-Ectomy, every situation is different.

The magic, I think, is in understanding that all you can do is behave.

Understanding how you choose to behave, in any situation is going to have an impact on the relationships you have with the people around you is priceless.

I didn't go on the school excursion.

The very next week I started to feed different information to the teacher. Small bits that would make sense.

I asked his Speech Pathologist to visit the school.

I spoke to the principle and asked for staff could attend some professional development.

I connected with his support worker and started to pass information through her.

I asked his Pediatrician if he would write a letter explaining Cam's difficulties to the school.

So much of this made a difference and while there were still some rough spots in the road, for most of the time it was much better for him. It was much better for them too.

By the beginning of his second year at school, I felt Cam was as understood as any child at the school. The staff responded to his needs, for most of the time, with best intention and the awareness of those around him grew to the point that I felt he went to school surrounded by a community of understanding.

We were very lucky.

For me, understanding point of view in this situation, being able to step back, close my eyes and imagine how I might appear to others was of amazing benefit.

When I think of point of view I imagine this shape on a floor