The things we want for them, are they really for them?

When our son was in year 10, I could sense the stalling in his learning. 
                  He wasn't going to move along with his peers. 
                           Education became academic, university focused. 
                                           He was going to stagnate if we left him there. 

He wasn't enjoying the learning environment, the confusion of adolescent friendships. His teachers didn't seem to have the resources, either within themselves, or within the schools system, to support him. The bullying policy seemed to be a piece of paper the staff could refer to but never really enforce.

He had come to a standstill.

So, with his direction....he always had a say, and his schools agreement, we began the process of transitioning him across from high school, to a senior college. Initially it was part time at both schools.

He really loved it. He loved the subjects, the choices, the quiet adult environment, and the lack of unpredictable students. Interestingly, the feeling that the teachers were his friends.

Then he made the decision, when he was ready, to move across full time 12 months later.

At this college, he was a little fish in a big world so he became the focus of a fantastic counselor who took him under her wing. He had access to subjects that were more interesting to him than modern history. The curriculum seemed to be better suited to accommodating special needs.....It was user friendly and made sense. In a system that isn't overloaded by the monitoring of student behaviour, it all seemed easier. Lets face it, if you're an adult at school and you don't behave properly, you're told to leave.   Act sensibly or go.


What he gained, besides accessing learning through subjects he loved and understood, was survival skills he was learning.....life skills.

• How to read a timetable.
• How to be at class when there was no bell to tell him to go there. 
• How to negotiate with a teacher.
• How to catch a bus then get on a train.
• How to wait in line without worrying someone will throw a coke bottle at his back.
• How to relax in an environment where he wasn't a victim.  
• How to ask for help.

It was Adult....perfect for an Aspie who would come home from school and ask often, 

"Why are those kids  mean to me? I hate it, it's just stupid to do those things."


He sailed along beautifully in the adult environment studying with fellow students varying for his age to young adult. A great mix.

We were all sailing along happily, except for the day that would have been his last day of school.


You know that day?


The day of celebration, the one where the kids muck up. Call it what you will but it's that rite of passage day, where you're acknowledged for your years of education, mate-ship is at it's peak and you celebrate what you've achieved.


Our son didn't have a muck up day......on what would have been his muck up day, he was at his college, studying Animation.
He loves that subject.
He's done it 3 times and won a college award for it.

He could care less about muck up day.

His mother however (me, that is) works at a school, has some of his school friends on that wonderful social tool we call Facebook.


Hi mother (me....) saw the messages on Facebook the night before

'Thanks to my amazing friends for the most amazing years of my life'

'Tomorrow I graduate from school, I don't know what I would have done without all of you.'

'Can't wait to celebrate.'

                                         It went on and on

At work, I watched the year 12 students in jubilant celebration, the ceremonies, the fun. I have the privilege of being able to see one of the main celebrations from my office window.


As I watched the events unfold, 
                                         it hit me, 
                                                  like a ton of bricks.......
                                                            It crashed into my quality world.

The place where we keep pictures of all the things that make our world just the way we like it.


My son wasn't going to have muck up day, he would never have muck up day. Oh the grief........It hurt, it really hurt. I'd managed to hurdle many pivotal points that would have caused me grief as his mother in the past. I'd jumped out of myself, disconnected with the emotion and asked myself if he was happy. If the answer was yes, so was I.


All those, birthday parties he didn't get invited to, the one of his only two friends came to.
The traditional team sports he hated, the success of his peers as he marked time in the background.
I rose above all of that, prepared for it, understood if there was grief, it was my grief for me. 
He hated team sport anyway and any time I felt bad for something he wasn't doing, he wasn't doing it because he didn't like it and was happier that way.


Isn't that what we want in the end?


Happy Kids?


But on this day, he was sitting in a classroom at a computer quietly working, (or so my head told me). 

He wasn't going to any parties that night, he'd come home and probably sit at a computer again.


So it hit me, blindside me, I fell apart.....quietly......I fell to pieces!


Not long after I began to have my internal collapse, a colleague walked in, she'd been crying. 

Her son was graduating, it was his muck up day. She was sad because it was his last day of school, her youngest child. The end of an era for her......


Then it hit me.....another ton of bricks......


I was internally collapsing because my son wasn't having muck up day....oh I felt so bad....for him. Or did I?


She was miserable because her son was having muck up day. She felt bad for....who exactly???

What were we upset about, really?


THEN I REALISED, THIS WAS ALL ABOUT ME.

This was one of those 'all about me' grief sessions I said I'd never have.


My son would have hated muck up day, with a passion. He would probably have stayed home. After having a miserable year at school. After being disconnected from his friends because they moved forward and he marked time.


He would have been home, alone and sad.


But, he was at his college having the time of his life. He didn't care what day it was for everyone else.


I slapped myself upside the head after that. The shift back to settled for me was as quick as the move into sadness. He was happy and that, when it comes to my kids, is the most important picture in my quality world.

How much of what we expect for our children is in our Quality World?

How much of our picture for them, is the picture for us?

When is it their pictures in their quality world that take over? 

Is this the time when adolescents shake it up a bit, tug the rope a bit, and stomp their foot on independence?

Is independence simply a person saying, these are the pictures in my quality world and they are important? 


How do we guide young adults so they can fulfill their quality world pictures and stay safe?




The experience left me with questions, lots of questions....


Then I spent some time looking for answers. Some of those answers have helped me, guided me, as he's grown.


I'd love to know what people think, comments and thoughts are more than welcome.

More information on the Quality World can be found at the following link.
 
http://brucedavenport.com/quality-world.html